


touch

by justlikenart



Series: no homo [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, F/M, Forced Kissing, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Non-Consensual Touching, Underage Drinking, criminally low self worth, its not sexy, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 18:52:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17792828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlikenart/pseuds/justlikenart
Summary: He must keep his most important secret. So how can he say no?





	touch

The taste of the liquor is bitter, harsh and unwelcome on his tongue. He swallows it down with a grimace, finishing the glass clenched tight in a white-knuckled fist. He chokes back a cough, not allowing himself to show any weakness and holds out the glass.  


The girl sitting opposite him laughs, his suffering clear to her despite his best efforts. But she doesn’t say anything, and pours more of the frankly  _ disgusting _ vodka they’re drinking into his glass. It’s a little more than a shot, a little less than two shots. It takes him two big swallows to get it down, and he gags very gently as it slides down his throat. 

The bottle is nearly empty and he figures that the girl will want the rest to herself, but she grabs his hand (and he hates it, hates her touch on his skin) and steadies it, pouring him the rest of the vodka. He watches her move silently, lifting his eyes to meet hers.

She nods, smiling at him. “Go ahead. You’ve earned it.” 

His stomach twists in discomfort, because he doesn’t want her smiling at him or  _ looking _ at him like he means something to her. 

Her name is Miko and she’s ANBU, just like him. She’s only a year younger than him, 16 to his 17. He’s her captain, her superior officer. She’s his subordinate.

She wants him.

What gives it away is the way she  _ looks _ at him, like he’s a prize to be won. She stares at his lips beneath the mask whenever he talks. She stares at his groin sometimes, when she thinks he’s not paying attention. She touches him too long, too often. She gets possessive when other women speak to him. 

It makes him feel on edge, like he wants to jump out of his skin. Her gaze makes him feel  _ wrong _ . He’s a man, and she’s a woman, and he should want her like she wants him. 

But he can’t.

Shaking away that train of thought, Kakashi sighs and slams down the last of the vodka. He’s drunk, but not drunk  _ enough. _ He groans in disappointment at that, then tosses the glass aside.

“You’re littering,” accuses the girl.

He shrugs absently, then turns away from her. They’re sitting on the roof, in a small village far from their home. Her legs are crossed, and she faces the center of the roof. He, after turning, is letting his legs dangle off the edge and has his back to her. 

If he can’t see the looks of longing on her face, he can pretend they aren’t there.

He doesn’t want her. He could never want her, not in the way she wants him. But he can’t turn her down either.

If he turns her down, she’ll ask why. She’s not like Rin was, who  hadn’t needed an explanation. Rin had just accepted, when he said he could not return her feelings. He’d felt guilty and told her far later, when just talking didn’t hurt either of them anymore. She had teased him about it like- well, like a sister would, and he laughed and loved her in his own way. They’d grown then, became better friends. 

_ Stop thinking about Rin, _ he orders himself, instead turning his mind to Miko.

She is too self confident, too interested in her own pleasures to just let the object of her desire go his own way. She’ll ask why immediately, demand an explanation. He won’t be able to tell her. 

“Kakashi…” she says, trailing off like she wants to say something, but can’t. 

His heart beats wildly in his chest, but he does not turn around. He’s afraid she’ll take that as consent. He takes a deep breath and then releases it slowly through his nose.

She starts again, not allowing him to stay silent and avoid this. “Last night… I wish I could have kissed you,” she confesses, although the confidence reeks off her breath just like the booze. She’s not shy, she’s not trying to hide anything. 

Last night they’d been deep in the forest, pursuing a missing-nin from Sunagakure that had strayed within the borders of the Land of Fire. They’d caught him, and although the battle was fierce and bloody, it was short.

The missing-nin was dead and Miko was fine. Kakashi was less fine, but he was okay. His ANBU vest hadn’t been enough to stop the blade of the missing-nin, and he’d sustained a large gash to his chest. The force of the blow knocked him off his feet, slamming his skull into the trunk of a tree and dazing him. The missing-nin spent a moment gloating over his limp body, and Miko had used that second to strike at the man’s neck. He was dead in a second, and Miko stood smirking over Kakashi’s bleeding body.

“You’re almost useless, senpai,” she said, pulling him roughly to his feet. He groaned and plastered a hand to the wound that she could see through the torn fabric of his uniform.

“‘Almost’,” said Kakashi humorlessly, leaping into the trees without another word to his subordinate.

They’d set up camp and she had bullied him into taking his vest and shirt off. He sat there, pants and mask the only things saving his dignity, while she sewed the wound shut. Her hands had lingered over his exposed chest, touching him far more than necessary. When he looked at her he could see widened pupils, he could see  _ desire _ . 

He let her finish, let her touch him because he couldn’t explain why her touch made his skin crawl. When his wound was closed and bandaged, he tugged his shirt and vest back on. She seemed disappointed when he gruffly thanked her and then laid down and fell asleep. She’d wanted to keep going.

And she was making that very clear now, on the roof, the bitter taste of alcohol and blood on his tongue. 

He can’t think of anything to say, so he says nothing. Her fingers find his left shoulder, lingering, and he resists the urge to shake her off. He takes a moment. He knows what she wants, and he knows what he wants, and those two things are not the same.

He can’t tell her. He can’t tell anyone. He needs to keep his reputation, because the idea of being a disgrace in Konoha again is too much for him. The village is all he has left, and if they find out he prefers men... If they find out his name is ruined. He’ll be regarded as a traitor again, cast out again. They’ll call him things, they’ll belittle him and they’ll treat him like dirt. He sees what happens to the others, the ones brave enough to be open. He sees when they’re killed and their murders go uninvestigated, he sees when they die and no one cares. Or worse, when they’re glad. When they say things like “someone should have killed that faggot sooner.” 

He sees the way people like him are treated, and it reminds him of when he was a boy and his father made one mistake and died for it. When the village drove his father to suicide, and he left his five year old son all alone to face the village’s ire. Kakashi has lived through that once. He does not want to live through it again.

He lets her turn him around. His heart beats hard and fast, and he almost tells her to stop when she pulls down his mask. But he doesn’t. It’s not worth it.  _ He's _ not worth it. He lets her gently tug his mask off, and watches as her eyes immediately fixate on his mouth. 

Her lips find his, and he doesn’t really know what to do at this point. Seventeen years of ashamedly repressing anything even remotely sexual has left him ill-prepared, despite the books he reads. He knows kissing in the books has a lot of tongue, so when her lips open against his he responds in kind.

He hates it. It’s too wet, too gross. He doesn’t like the feeling of someone else’s mouth touching his, hates the feeling of his tongue touching hers.

But she clearly loves it. Her eyes are closed in something approaching ecstacy, a smile tugging the corners of her mouth up. He doesn’t bother. He closes his eyes too, so that he doesn’t have to  _ see _ , and he kisses back and pretends he likes it.

She breaks them apart with a breathy laugh, but her hand migrates from his shoulder to cup his bared cheek and jaw. “You’re great at that,” she tells him, grinning. “Was that your first kiss?”

He nods, not trusting his throat enough to speak.

“Okay,” she says, and suddenly they’re kissing again and it’s still just as wet and unpleasant as it was before. He soldiers on, opening his mouth and letting her take charge. He follows Miko’s lead. There’s tongue, like before, and he still hates it.

He hates it even more when she stops for a second, inches back and down to nip at his bottom lip. He blinks, unsure if he’s supposed to enjoy that or not. She bites harder and he stifles a sound, smothering it in his chest. He lets her alternate between kissing him and biting his lip and he tries to keep up the facade. 

She pulls away from his mouth and he takes a second to breath in relief before her lips find his neck and she’s biting the skin just below his jaw. He shudders, unused to the feeling, and she laughs against his skin. “You like that, huh?” she asks, voice rougher than it had been before.

He doesn’t know. He likes it more than what they’d been doing before, but that isn’t saying much. He decides to just nod, and Miko goes right back to work.

She moves down his neck slowly, starting just below his jaw and working her slow way down to his collarbone. She hums gently and he stifles a moan at the vibration. His body, at first resisting her touch, has decided to betray him and he finds himself enjoying the sensations against his will. 

She can tell, he thinks. Because she doesn’t stop, her mouth hot and wet against his skin. She pulls him away from the edge of the roof, so that his whole body is oriented toward him. Still hazy, he simply lets her, as her mouth still nips and kisses him. She pulls him toward the center of the roof with her hands, and forces him to lay down.

She finally stops, laying beside him. He turns on his side and faces her, his heart beating hurriedly against his ribs. He wants to stop and is grateful that she has stopped, but his marvelous intuition tells him it’s not over.

Hands reach out and touch his chest, lingering over the stitched wound. He stills, lets her touch his torn flesh. Miko smiles, then presses forward to kiss him on the lips once more. He closes his eyes and thinks about biting her lower lip, like she did to him. He decides not to when she moves away to travel down his neck once more.

She reaches a spot about halfway down and bites, and he can’t stop a small sound escaping his lips. He flushes, mortified, but she seems to find it endearing. She bites again, and sucks, and licks and he tenses and feels like he wants more and also like he wants to never be touched again.

She doesn’t stop, but reaches for his hand with one of hers, the other still pressed against his chest. He lets her drag his hand to her own chest, horrified to find out their final destination is her own chest.

“Touch me,” she breathes against him, and he complies. He feels up her chest, the soft tissue of her breasts. He cringes internally, but externally he stays stolid. He finds he’s pretty good at this too, as she moans when he turns his attention to her nipples. She scoots toward him and shoves one of her legs in between his and begins grinding against his thigh. 

This is too much, all too much and Kakashi begins panicking. He knew what she wanted, knew how far she wanted to go, but he still is taken aback by how strong her desire for him is.

He doesn’t want this. 

But it’s too late, he feels. So he continues, fingers growing more confident as he learns what she likes, how she likes to be touched. She begins feeling up his ass while he’s concentrating on her nipples and he hates that, hates her touch against that area of his body.

_ You consented _ , whispers a voice in his head.  _ She’ll hate you if you stop now. She’ll find out your secret, and she’ll tell the whole village.  _

He knows this voice is full of shit, but rational thought fled him long ago and he relents. He reaches for her, touching her while she touches him, and they continue. They continue for what feels like hours, feeling each other up and exploring each other. He tries to lose himself, tries to just feel the sensations and ignore that it’s Miko and not- not a man, not the right person at all. 

“Miko,” he groans, because he can sense her hands wandering towards his dick and as much as he’s debased himself already tonight, he  _ can’t _ do this anymore. He’s oversensitive from her touch, his pupils blown wide even though he’s not attracted to her. And because he’s not attracted to her, he has to stop. He has no dignity left, but he has this final line that he can’t cross. 

She pouts, and he stares at her lips and feels disgusted with himself. “Kakashi. Don’t tell me you don’t want me.” She says it like it’s ridiculous, like she can’t fathom him not wanting her.

“We have an early start tomorrow,” he bites out, instead of outright denial. “We should go to sleep.”

And she’s disappointed, but he’s right. They do have an early start, and the night is mostly gone by now. 

She crosses her arms, but understands. “Fine,” she says, standing up. “I’m going to finish myself off then. See you in a bit.”

And as soon as she’s gone, he’s heaving. The vodka burns even more on its way out, sour and bitter in his mouth. 

He cries, too, silent sobs muffled in the crook of his elbow. She doesn’t try and rejoin him, and he’s grateful for that as he cries and throws up and regrets. 

He doesn’t sleep at all that night. 

When they finally make it home, he puts a transfer request immediately. It goes through, but she finds out that he did it and tears him apart. And she’s right, she’s right about everything. He hadn’t ever said no, he could have said no at any time. He had no right to feel taken advantage of, because she hadn’t really done anything to him. He’s a cheap piece of shit for leading her on and for pretending like she forced him into anything.

_ She got you drunk and took advantage of you _ , says the last semblance of self respect in his mind.  _ It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say no. You never said yes either. And she got you drunk, Kakashi. She shouldn’t have tried anything. _

But he could have said no, and he didn’t. 

It’s all his fault, and his alone.

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you find yourself in a situation like this irl run its not sexy and it shouldn't be glorified. 
> 
> im writing a part two bc leaving it on a bad note just isn't my style. see u soon.


End file.
